from Ringing for You by Anouchka Grose Forrester

Wednesday, February 23, 2005
* I'm in love and I have a job. These things make me very sad and very happy (they both do both). I don't know quite how they've got themselves so tangled up in my imaginary scheme of things, but right now the two seem inextricably linked in an intimate relation of extreme incompatibility. If I don't go to work, I can't live so I can't be in love. If I do go to work, I have to try to forget that I'm in love for long spells at a time. Because I'm in love I can't do my job properly when I start feeling overly emotional it seems like an absolute outrage to me that there are other things I have to do.

* Beethoven's 11th piano sonata. Beethoven as suffering from unrequited love. Coming across in the endlessly repeating, distorting phrases and the modulating harmonies. It's a musical equivalent of the ceaseless internal discussions you have when you're obsessively infatuated. You can't completely change the topic, so you just try to find as many variations as you can.

* I can see that the problem with the personal stuff is that most people's is quite hard to deal with and it's no wonder they want to keep it under wraps. But when it's someone you're trying to be in love with, it's not the same. If all they let you see of them is what everyone else sees, then it's pretty pointless to pretend that anything special is happening - apart from your imagination.

* It's more as though being in love throws everything into question. And, quite frankly, it scares me to death. It makes me want to keep checking that everything's okay…I love the manic fervor of falling in love, but it sort of tips me over to a point where I can't stand it any more that I have to either get out (by deciding that my chosen object is unworthy of such overpowering emotion), or I have to domesticate (read: castrate) them. It's awful. What do I do? What do you do? How does a person ever know what to do?

* This is the risk of not taking risks: if you aren't prepared to do the difficult things you may have to do in order to get what you want, you are very likely to end up with nothing.

* I think the moral of this story is that, if you don't start as you mean to go on, and keep going on in the manner of this bad start, you'll finish up in the way that you start wondering what on earth happened in between.

* Basically, it just drives you nuts when someone you have strong feelings about gives you the impression that they aren't quite so keen on you. It's one of those sublime injustices that you can't possibly get your head around even though it's a fairly common phenomenon.

* She made me feel very optimistic about the possibility of falling lastingly in love.

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